Brandi Cotner

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Reality
by Brandi Cotner

It feels different this year. I feel different, even though the other part of me fights day and night to suppress any change of thought from happening. I’ve come to learn that the mind is a very dangerous place if your inner dialogue is left unchecked. It’s like having an angel on your left shoulder and the devil on the other, like what you see on tv shows, constantly waiting to persuade your train-of-thought or emotions that determine what actions you take. That’s what I want you imagine when I try to explain the hold those inner dialogues have had over me. Though here lately more than ever I have felt such a huge tug at my soul that is begging to be happy, and I think it’s time to listen.

As I write this, I am sitting outside on the porch swing, aware that April is here. Feeling a constant bitter sweetness in the air because March 31 and April 4 are my two sons’ birthdays, and what would I be without them? Being a mother has saved my life. It gave me a reason to keep fighting for a better life, not for me, but for them. I feel so blessed to experience such a selfless unconditional love for another being. Every year during this time fills me with so much happiness as I celebrate and watch them grow another year older. However, when their birthday leaves it takes my light with it. Leaving me to brace myself for what’s next; April 29, the day I lost my brother.

This year will mark 5 years since he has passed away, and I regretfully admit the overwhelming numbness I feel when counting the years on my fingers, chest tightening more as each one goes up. The night I lost him, it was like my soul had opened a door in the middle of nowhere, walked inside a room of darkness, and laid on a cold floor alone crying before locking itself inside. While the shell of the person I used to be was left numb and on autopilot to deal with reality. It’s now been 5 years without him that I’ve realized just how long I’ve stayed there (emotionally).

Everyone goes through trauma, loss, heartbreak, and I’m no one special. The truth is, there is no roadmap or cheat sheet for how people are supposed to cope with a new reality after going through something so devastating that you didn’t know how to breathe after it happened.

My brother was 5 years older than I was, so I always wanted to be with him, wanting to go everywhere he went, do everything he did. One time when I was around 9-years-old, I remember I begged so badly for him to let me tag along with him and his friends when heading to a secret hangout they made deep in the woods. As I walked behind him, I fell into a small hole covered by tree branches and surrounded by thorn bushes.

After continuing to walk ahead of me, he turns around and yells with sarcasm, “Oh no, you’re already getting roughed up. I told you it was a long way back here!”

“Come on, get up and dust yourself off, you’re ok.” He said, as I lay there crying.

Embarrassed and angry I yelled, “You don’t even know if I’m okay! I can’t just get up and shake this off, it hurts too bad! And you don’t even care!”

He turned around to head back to me, and when he approached me, he kneeled and said, “I always care what happens to you, Brandi, but you need to learn to get up, dust yourself off, and keep moving even if you get hurt and think it’s the end of the world. You’re stronger than to not let something like falling and a couple scratches keep you from never getting up again, now come on.”

Without a word, but with an annoyed look on my face, I got up, dusted my shirt and jeans off, and continued after him realizing that he was right.

He is still right.

Every little inconvenience that happens in our lives isn’t meant for us to stop and put our world on hold and wait for someone else to come to help us out of it when things get hard. In fact, that’s the reason why when significant events happen to us that we can get up and keep going.

This feeling that has been tugging at me is all the parts of myself that I have suppressed finally trying to say, “You are the only one who can live your life. Make it a life worth living.” The truth is I would want nothing more than to be able to open the door, welcome and acknowledge these feelings I get overwhelmed with, then also have the strength to know when it is time for them to leave and shut the door behind them. I’m not who I used to be and it’s going to take time relearning myself and things I love to do now.

It is possible to pick up these pieces that have been broken and shine light on the shadows within myself so I can learn to accept them instead of ignoring them. It’s something I must work on daily to maintain, but I know the rewards I get out of it will only be greater as the time goes on. During this time of the year, it’s worse than any other as I replay memories in my head which then trigger my PTSD of the trauma that resulted from that devastating night. However, as I’m sitting here reflecting, I’ve come to realize something in return. Who I am today, how far I’ve come, and all that I’ve gained along the way is something I never would’ve thought would happen 5 years ago. This angel on my shoulder has outranked the devil who whispers in my ear reminding me that it can’t rain all the time. It’s time to get up, dust myself off, and move forward.

We’re pleased to announce the Spring 2023 issue of student work. Please check out the links below. Enjoy!